Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

“This will NOT be a good movie,” I say to myself. “The first one was terrible. And you didn’t even see it.” I take a deep breath and close my eyes. When I open them, I realize that I am already in line for the midnight showing on opening night. In my hands are four tickets, one for each turtle. I realize that I have no friends with me. Who would be friends with someone who saw this movie? And yet I have four tickets, each for a consecutive screening of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows. The tickets seem to shine in the moonlight, like the golden ticket in the equally good Last Action Hero. I check my watch. I still have time to run to the car and escape. “But it would be rude to the tickets not to use them,” I murmur aloud before entering the theater and purchasing something called a Heroes on the Half Shell Popcorn Combo. It costs me $27.50, a small price considering it comes with a collectable shell-topped bucket. “I really wanted the Donatello bucket,” I murmur, exiting the concessions line, then immediately reentering it. But you can’t just have a Leonardo bucket and a Donatello bucket, I realize, already envisioning all four buckets on my mantle. “You already have popcorn,” says a small child in front of me, turning back to gawk at the man talking to himself about turtles, a single stray puff of popcorn jutting from his beard. “You shut your goddamn mouth,” the child’s father says, before giving me a knowing smile and nod. “Turtle power,” the father says. “Turtle power,” I reply.