Thinking about Clash of the Titans three weeks later is kind of giving it too much credit. Clash of the Titans doesn’t want to be thought about. It’s like the T-Rex. It wants to hunt. Clash of the Titans wants to circle its prey and strike from both sides, like velociraptors do, but it barely makes an effort until halfway through the movie to provide any competent action-adventure entertainment. I know a lot of you morons out there are excited to see Liam Neeson’s Zeus “release the kraken.” Not only is this the worst pseudo-sexual dialog in movie history, it’s also the worst revealing of a monster in movie history. We spend three quarters of Clash hearing about the fucking Kraken, and how scary it is, and how it’s going its going to unleash holy hell when it finally gets loose, and then we get to the Kraken, fifteen minutes from the end. Perseus walks up to the fucking thing, and it chokes. The Kraken chokes so hard that it literally turns to stone and crumbles. It’s an important metaphor for all that Clash had to offer based on a rich cinematic and literary history, and its failure to produce anything more than a tongue-in-cheek modernization of ancient, crumbling tropes.
I will say this though. I cannot imagine seeing this movie in 2D. The 3D effects on Hades’ flying moth-like death wings were so cool that I think it was the only thing worth ticket price. It was like the members of the post-production 3D team were the only ones who put any effort into this cut of the movie at all. When things popped out at the screen, they looked cool. It’s that simple. When people were talking, not so much. After all, you have to judge this movie based on its own standards. And when you have a movie that dares to reunite the Schindler’s List acting team of Liam Neeson and Voldemort, it better have something important to say right? Right? The most impressive thing this movie has to say is that, “Yes We Can dress up overpayed actors in clumsy too-shiny costumes and make them bellow outrageous melodramatic dialog that would have made Aeschylus vomit.” It would have only been subtler and more reverent to the original Greek mythology if Perseus had eventually torn at his breast in self-loathing after the realization that he had just murdered his father, and consoled himself by molesting a young boy. I mean, let’s be honest. Why do you think Achilles had such a fun summer alone with his cousin on that gay island? The Greeks were doing it every which way. Maybe the Catholic Church should rename itself the Greek Orthodox. But I digress. The Gods in Clash of the Titans are just as boring and old-fashioned as the ones in the Catholic Church, only without any real subtext. Zeus is a bore, and I hear there’s another cut of this film where Incredible Hulk director Louis LeLetterOpener actually produced a work with narrative structure or some elements of drama. Then again, it also probably involves Jason Statham dry-humping a buzzsaw for forty minutes, so it’s safest to let it rest.
I think that at some point in the movie, everybody in the theater agreed they were at a dumb “summer” movie and just had fun with it. The 3D effects were mostly convincing, say what you will about the post-production add-on, and I think the Medusa fight is a really cool example of the kind of things that could have happened if Lord of the Rings had been around in time for 3D. I like the new 3D, because I think it does make movies look cooler, but it should really be saved for movies that are well-rounded enough to sustain the 3D concept as a creative and fiscal enterprise. If we overuse it like a can of turd polish on crap movies–hmm, that makes me wonder…maybe Hot Tub Time Machine should come with 3D glasses in the blu-ray case–then we’re in danger of losing 3D as a business venture that people are willing to waste a lot of money on. The 3D depth-of-your-wallet ticket prices are good for the industry, so I’m all about them. I think the entertainment biz should make as much money as it can, to profit off the grief of the millions of Americans who could use a little pick-me-up since our government fucked up so royally. If movies make the people feel better, then I say, let them eat movies. It’s still better than George W. Bush’s mission statement, Let Them Eat Shit.
Where was I? Oh yes, Crash of the Transformers. Perseus is a pretty fun hero. I feel like I’ve seen his schtick somewhere before though, Pandora was it? Similar to Avatar the love story here is mostly about the banging, so if youse a lady type, you might wants to shut your eyes for the naughty parts. Don’t worry, they are few and far between. In fact, what love story? I think at one point Perseus falls over on some sort of female demigod who’s sort of been acting as his sensei/purveyor of hot looks, and the next thing you know there’s more sexual tension than an Alabama family reunion. And when it comes to dealing with the Gods, you got to remember that, “Hey, she was coming on to me!” ain’t gonna save ya this time. You need to cut off the head of Medusa and–Oops, spoiled the movie. But seriously, a lot of Ancient Greek mythology reads like a supermarket tabloid. It was all about who was banging whom like a soap opera, complete with mystery babies, affairs and people turning into swans at the last minute. If that doesn’t sound ridiculous to you, then you and I have the same crack dealer!
Anyway, my point is that Clash of the Titties kind of misses the boat when it comes to all the sexuality inherent in the storytelling. They tack-on sex as an afterthought to an already hackneyed monster-slaughter epic. That’s a poor move, especially since the emotional side of this story could have seriously used a booster shot, outside of the whole “HEY A GOOD GUY SHOULD PROBABLY STOP THOSE BAD GUYS!” moral this movie is trying to pass off as a seven dollar sandwich. That dog don’t hunt, boys! And this movie could have used a dog! Some more sexy broads, maybe… Some sort of talking animal sidekick at the very least. It should be more like Lost in Space, that way it won’t be a total disaster. I dunno, movies aren’t really my thing. I just run the studio and let the interns pick the scripts. It’s fun! It’s like good idea roulette. It’s how the Bible was written, only they drank a lot more shots back then. Mmm-hmm, scotch. Scotch. Ahem. If you’re seriously considering seeing Clash of the Titans this late in the game, making yourself inebriated is a must, and make sure you see it in 3D on the largest screen you can find. That way, you’ll have so many distractions you won’t even notice Ralph Fiennes’ performance. Also, the giant scorpions are a letdown. Sorry if it bums you out.